Lately, everything's an option.. and nothing a choice.

It's as if i'm the one preventing anything from being enough. As if.. i'm creating the flaws where there aren't any. I want to drown myself in the city life. Crazy, passionate, hectic, lively. It's one thing to feel alive.. and it's another to feel so alive that you forget that your inner peace is what really holds you together.

You deserve to feel alive. He doesn't deserve to be the one that makes you feel that way.

In theatre, we talked about how everyone has their public persona vs. private solitude. And it eventually got me to really consider it. Do we all really wear masks when with other people, no matter who it is? Of course I know part of that is just.. it's human to act differently when you're by yourself. It's honest. But do we all really go out of our way not in terms of acting differently, but trying to place ourselves in a certain light? In a light that we choose to allow people to see? Personally, I'm aware that people portray me as that happy, go-lucky girl. That's just something I chose. And that's okay. When something's terribly upsetting me, well i'm still that happy go-lucky girl. I guess it's just easier for some than others to expose their vulnerability. I'm clearly not one of those people, and is that okay? Or is that a mask that should be put away? We all wear masks. And hopefully, we find someone who can be kind enough to take it off for us from time to time.

Men were born to lie. And women were born to believe them.

It bothers me. It bothers me to the point I have to constantly remind myself that it's something I don't have to forgive myself for. He's the last person that deserves an ounce of thought from me. Then what the fuck is the problem? There has been no one else to replace those feelings.... This to me is clear though. I don't miss him. Not in hell... But i'd be greatly lying if I said I didn't miss what was there. How he made me feel. How it came close to the type of intimacy I imagined having with someone.

To the people who didn't believe me when I said I wasn't emotionally attached... i'm sorry it took me too late to realize that I was a big pile of bullshit. Because when I finally did accept it, it hit me a lot harder. And that, I regret. I still can try to convince myself and others that it was no biggie, it was just something that flew in and out of my life.

But how can I convince myself when at the end of the day, it's the same thoughts over and over again. Thoughts that I can't forgive myself for having... thoughts about a person who at one point made me feel this happiness different from anything i've ever felt before.. who happens to be the same person that I consider the joke of my life. Mistake? Maybe not. A long long time later, and i'm still consumed by this? Come on, Diane. Really? And really, it's not about him. It's the fact that I'm programmed to fall in love... with love. The idea, the potential.. it was perfect. I just wasn't fortunate enough to match it with a decent guy.