Lately, everything's an option.. and nothing a choice.

It's as if i'm the one preventing anything from being enough. As if.. i'm creating the flaws where there aren't any. I want to drown myself in the city life. Crazy, passionate, hectic, lively. It's one thing to feel alive.. and it's another to feel so alive that you forget that your inner peace is what really holds you together.

You deserve to feel alive. He doesn't deserve to be the one that makes you feel that way.

In theatre, we talked about how everyone has their public persona vs. private solitude. And it eventually got me to really consider it. Do we all really wear masks when with other people, no matter who it is? Of course I know part of that is just.. it's human to act differently when you're by yourself. It's honest. But do we all really go out of our way not in terms of acting differently, but trying to place ourselves in a certain light? In a light that we choose to allow people to see? Personally, I'm aware that people portray me as that happy, go-lucky girl. That's just something I chose. And that's okay. When something's terribly upsetting me, well i'm still that happy go-lucky girl. I guess it's just easier for some than others to expose their vulnerability. I'm clearly not one of those people, and is that okay? Or is that a mask that should be put away? We all wear masks. And hopefully, we find someone who can be kind enough to take it off for us from time to time.

Men were born to lie. And women were born to believe them.

It bothers me. It bothers me to the point I have to constantly remind myself that it's something I don't have to forgive myself for. He's the last person that deserves an ounce of thought from me. Then what the fuck is the problem? There has been no one else to replace those feelings.... This to me is clear though. I don't miss him. Not in hell... But i'd be greatly lying if I said I didn't miss what was there. How he made me feel. How it came close to the type of intimacy I imagined having with someone.

To the people who didn't believe me when I said I wasn't emotionally attached... i'm sorry it took me too late to realize that I was a big pile of bullshit. Because when I finally did accept it, it hit me a lot harder. And that, I regret. I still can try to convince myself and others that it was no biggie, it was just something that flew in and out of my life.

But how can I convince myself when at the end of the day, it's the same thoughts over and over again. Thoughts that I can't forgive myself for having... thoughts about a person who at one point made me feel this happiness different from anything i've ever felt before.. who happens to be the same person that I consider the joke of my life. Mistake? Maybe not. A long long time later, and i'm still consumed by this? Come on, Diane. Really? And really, it's not about him. It's the fact that I'm programmed to fall in love... with love. The idea, the potential.. it was perfect. I just wasn't fortunate enough to match it with a decent guy.

Rants??!?!
I wish there was a Pacey out there for everyone.
No, scratch that. Just one Pacey for me would be fine.
Why The Hills is so easy to get hooked on is a mystery. I mean.. really. All they do is stare at each other and move their hair behind their ear. Oh and the occasional "Oh my god, really?" from the wise Whitney.
I hate how I have 5,673 songs on my zune and it always seems to play the same ones on shuffle. I know there's NO way I could get through almost 6,000 songs every day. Wudderhell.
Eric Lively. Google image him :)
I love how my rants all consist of lame, mindless thoughts of intangible people.
It's almost November. How the hell did that happen?
It's been too long since i've......
It's almost time to find a new job. Something far far away from serving drinks of potential 3rd degree burns to bitchy customers.
I love doing nothing. Especially when there's rarely a time where that's an option.

Hello, it's me again

A whole lot's changed since I left and

I don't know I guess I felt like checking in

Surprise, you let it ring

Well it's your turn to leave me hanging

And I don't care, I know you love it when you see me call

You know what they say, you can't have it so you want it back

We're way past that, believe me

I'm sure it's hard to see me

I'm sure you don't believe a word

Cause you've heard it all before

And we're so far from where we were

da da da da dum ...

I've been thinking about moving out to LA as soon as I possibly can.

I've been thinking about people I probably shouldn't.

I've been thinking about how much more I want to do with this career.

I've been thinking about why I want this career so bad.

I've been thinking if i've done much with it at all.

I've been thinking about the past and which parts of it I'd be gladly to go back to.

I've been thinking about change, why things change, why people change, or if they ever really do.

I've been thinking about how hopeless I can be about things I can't control.

I've been thinking about how maybe I can be more in control.

I've been thinking about how renewed I want to feel.

I've been thinking about forgetting past grudges, and living as if they were never a part of me at all.

I've been thinking about second chances.

I've been thinking about what's worth it, and what should be left alone.

God i've been thinking too much.

Why is it that I'm always fully occupied with interesting/not-so-interesting-but-time-consuming things to do at 3 in the morning? I hate staying up too late, and I hate waking up late even more. But somehow, right when it's a good time for me to hit the bed, I sit my ass on my decently comfortable computer chair, log into numerous websites, and spend my wee morning hours doing pointless but fullfilling activities.


Say things like, reading celebrity news garbage, discovering new music, looking for things I can waste money on, making cheesy movie trailers, finding the programs to edit those videos, and watch tv shows on my widescreen computer.... Things I COULD be doing at 9 in the morning, where I'm feeling nice and rejuvenated, but, I don't.... because there is a monster inside me eating away at my self-control. Excuse me while I try to fight that ugly thing right this moment, so I can be a happy camper in nine hours.

Oh. And possibly this whole word vomit was just an excuse to have some place to display both my crushes at the moment. Aren't they purrrty. ;D

This makes me happy. You have no idea how much I missed hot Britney. WORK IT GIRL.

Even though the VMA's is CRAP for letting her get on that stage last year like that... P.S. Can we please bring back the thrilling VMA's from pre-2002? The SlimShady crowds, controversial loose boob of Lil Kim, the Madonna and Courtney Love weirdness, the Britney tiger/snake dancing, and hilarious host skits... were exciting stuff. And are very badly missed.