Dead Ends

How can everything so wrong feel so right? It's never simple. We should all know that from day one.

Uh...

Wow. Really? My dad just called me disgusting and told me to get out of the house after I laughed really hard on the phone. I am so tired of this bullshit. I'm sitting on the patio now because like I said before, I'm not going to fight back. But this is just sad... I guess it's so wrong for me to be happy. It's not like I was talking loudly in a room where people are sleeping... I mean, I don't get it. I need out. Living under the same roof is so unbearable...
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Slowly bringing me down...

My silence scares you? Well let me break it to you. Your words hurt me. I give up... I'm not gonna argue, not gonna talk back, not gonna defend myself when you tell me how disgusted you are of the terrible person that I am. And for you to make sure I hear it every day? I know I've been rude in the past, but honestly I'm struggling to figure out where this comes from. I don't deserve this, not this time. So I'm going to sit here, let you throw all these stabbing words at me, try not to cry every time, and not say a damn word.
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Take Me There

It's been awhile since I've had a reaaaaally good weekend... especially on a real fri-sun weekend. With work, my weekends are usually mon-tues and well, not much happens on weeknights. Went clubbing two nights in a row! Even with work at 8 and 9 am each day HA, it seems like a good idea hours before you actually have to wake up. But no regrets. Totally worth it! Sharks on Thurs with two of my coworkers and some of their uci friends. It was totally fun hanging out with them outside the workplace. "Wow! It's weird to see you outside of work... you're like a normal person!" Yeah.... that happens. HAHA. But as for the club itself... eh, nothing special. It just had one of the reasons why I'm not always too psyched about clubbing... creepy men who think it's okay to just come up behind you and run their hands over your legs and shit. Wtf man, get outta here.


WHICH brings me to the next club... RAGE and why I absolutelyfuckinglove it. It's my second time going and definitely not my last. It makes me never want to go to a 18+ straight club again HAHA. You rarely have to worry about strange men at a gay club. Girls coming on to you are not creepy at all, since they're so fun about it LOL. And gay men are the cutest! Both in a hot-unattainable way AND in just a too damn adorable way. Went to see one of my best friends that I grew up with in NC, Kamille! God I love her. Took my other girls with me and I'm pretty sure it's a scene they all fell in love with as well. For a moment there, Kamille and I just stood at the upstairs balcony and watched over the people dancing downstairs and I completely got her when she said how wonderful it was to see all this culture... It's real, and it's fascinating. Makes me so much more excited to move out to LA. Finally see the world for what it is, this Orange County shit is just way too superficial, conservative, and not enough for a 19 year old.

It always makes me happy to meet people so easy to get along with. And that's why I love the gay world. It's the most outgoing and stick-it-as-it-is world to be in. I end up enjoying a person's company in the five minutes I meet them. I have one gay best friend here in Irvine and I wish I was able to introduce him to this world Kamille introduced me to before he left to do it on his own in college. He had to hide himself here. It's not that he was ashamed by any means. He cared too much about making other people feel awkward. Which I think was too selfless on his part. And I hope that he finally finds the place that i've seen where all of this is completely acceptable. I love being a hag. Hhahaha :)

Feud

It just gets too much sometimes. Too frustrating. My dad always has to be complaining about something. Yes, I understand that after he got laid off, it's easier for everyone to get irritated. But come on. Sometimes I just want to blow my pride away and say, "I'm still a kid!" But that's not what I want. I use a good chunk, often even HALF, of every one of my paychecks towards bills... while at the same time trying to save up for college and for rent when I move out. All this from a fucking minimum hourly job. His come-back is always giving me crap about how I spend money by eating out with friends a lot, but that's my business. What, i'm just going to live my life working and spending the money how HE thinks I should spend it? Not have a social life? I don't want any sympathy or shit, but when you're my father, and you ask for money so easily, and then get mad when I don't want to use money for a fucking car wash... it's frustrating. I just want you to at least feel a little appreciative that I'm not asking you to pay for my college... not asking you to help me move out on my own. I'm being as understandable and cooperative as I can. I just wish you'd do the same.

Five Years

I've never really thought about this before, but I actually find pure enjoyment in getting to know people... meeting people... forming new relationships Yeah it sounds like it's just a basic life thing, but for me I think it's going to have a lot to do a lot with my future job. Besides my dream job to be a professional actor, my dream "realistic" job is to be in communications and public relations. I want to work for people, be the one that people come to. I want to have a huge network and stay busy by living the fast paced life of schedules, events, and phone calls. It's weird, don't underestimate the long term effects high school has on you. Doing such things as being a house manager and co-director of the big shows those years, people came up to me, patted my back, and thanked me for staying so busy and getting everything done. I actually loved every second of it. I like running around, checking to make sure everyone is doing what they're supposed, making the important people seeing the show that night feel completely comfortable... It feels good to know that you have a vision of yourself five years from now. The next step is to just fight like hell to get there.

Little Brown Bag

I was watching "Degrassi Goes Hollywood" and my dad totally sat through the whole movie... He must've been bored out of his mind. HAHA. It was okay... I love me my Degrassi, but yeah it was definitely a "TV" movie. Nothing more. It's true, THEY KNOW DRAMA. :P Okay enough of me as a total nerd.

Hmm I went shopping for the first time this summer this last week... And I can't believe I almost forgot how blissful it feels... to ache for that one item until you get it. This is a bad habit waiting to happen. Whatever man! Working full time all summer, I think I deserve a little self-treatment. Eh, well. I know where all that money went... food. I would get a paycheck every two weeks and in those two weeks, that's 14 days... of carelessly going out for food. It adds up... what a little bitch. I bought a top for $15, and thought... this could've been my dinner. And wow what a difference it makes! Now I used that $15 for something that'll last me more than half an hour of satisfaction. So I got an idea. Eat out less, spend extra money on clothes instead. Man i'm brilliant.

Five months and my life will begin.