I have so much emotion going on inside of me right now and I just don't know what to do it. It's all mixed and jumbled and I want to keep it that way... once I put one emotion above the rest, I'm scared of what it can potentially do to me. I hate over-analyzing... I mean doesn't everyone? But it makes you think and do unfair things to undeserving people. I don't even know if half the things I'm saying right now makes as much sense as it does in my own thoughts... I just want everything to come into place.

For the longest time, I've always been the one never to show true, raw emotion. But I think that's when you contain it at its fullest. Maybe deep inside I've always been afraid that my emotions wouldn't match someone else's. So while I lied to myself, to my closest friends, to the people it might mean the most to.... everything just dissipated until forgotten and something else came along... all the while the same background routine occurs despite how different the situation and people are. But then maybe it's because through your gut instincts, you found a reason to see that none of these people were worth un-peeling yourself for... and the moment you realize that is the moment you realize that there exists someone who is.

Babbles

For the first time in a really long time, I can say I'm content with all aspects of my life right now. School starts next week and oddly but reasonably enough, I'm psyched. Work kept me busy but I was lacking that balance of both physical AND mind stamina. Once all of that is settled, i'll finally be ready enough to jump back into the world that's remained a constant passion for me... acting. I can't begin to describe how much I've missed reading scripts and placing all my energy into making a character as my own... finding that character within me. Some people might not understand how seriously I take it sometimes because while I do it because of the enjoyment it brings, I stay with it because of what it does to me internally.

Then there are the personal parts of my life that again, I can say I'm very content with. It's always been against my way to show how I really feel but this time around, I learned it doesn't always backfire when you decide to give yourself away. You can't be afraid to risk certain things because then you might miss even bigger things. I need to stop believing in jinxing people's emotions because that's the way to really lose them.

You've really got a way with me.

Wake Up

God this sucks... I hate hate hate how I can't just be like, wake up Diane, it's not that bad, there's so many things to smile about. That's what I want so bad, to have that control... So I think that a night of sleep will somehow make things a lot more better and clearer in the morning... I'm wrong. I don't cry like this often. But I can't seem to stop randomly getting choked up throughout the day... I can't seem to stop the tears from building when I text anyone as if i'm good ol' dandy. I mean I know how he is... why does it still affect me like this? It makes me feel like a different person that I never want to be.

It's when it hurts like hell every time someone asks "are you okay" that you know things are wrong. Cope with me, it's times like these it hurts a little less to stop talking to anyone... To be distant.

Never Win

You always find a way to question my worth as a human being. I know I'm far from perfect, but I also know I'm far from the inexcusable person you seem to think I am. Every single time I isolate myself, feel the need to be alone... it's because I don't know what to think of myself. It's because you made that happen. And dammit, my pride can only hold so much. It still hurts. I'll never show it, but the more I keep that from you, the worse I am to you.