When things are going really well, unconsciously, you begin to expect close to perfection. You let yourself have such high expectations that fight against what you normally allow. So who is more to blame when one disappointment hits you like a blow? On one side, there ARE some things you're justified to expect from one another. On the other side, no one is perfect. And you blindly let yourself think otherwise, which in turn, could mean you inevitably hurt yourself the most. I have to remember that I have to make mistakes in order to learn and grow. But most of all, I have to remember that I have to let others do the same. While you only have one chance at certain things... Some situations do call for another chance. But just like with everything, each chance gets more and more fragile. And if we can fully commit to not making the same mistakes, then I believe that's the true test of strength of any relationship.

You give me that. When everything else in my life is breaking me down, pulling me under, and making me slowly crack into pieces... I spend a few moments with you, and suddenly... none of that matters. You put everything at ease, make everything calm again. The sense of bliss and happiness that you give me quickly makes me forget whatever pain I have to deal with when I'm not with you. That’s why I find it so hard sometimes that I can’t see you right away and might have to wait days when all I really need is you for at that one certain moment. Although the thought of you can easily distract my mind into ease, it’s still so difficult without that physical presence I sometimes really ache for.

I mean, I have amazing friends that I know deep in my heart that I can rely on no matter what... and I do take comfort in that. But there's something about the person you're in love with that give you something else. It's the three words you ache to hear in the time of need. It's the touch of the hand, and the linking of the fingers in times of hopelessness that revive your sense of hope. It's the soft kiss on the head that make you feel light as a feather as if the weight of the world on your shoulders has now been lifted.

Part of me is conscious about trying not to depend on you so much for this reason, because what if one day, which might be too inevitable to happen... we get into a mishap, and you're now the reason I feel so much hurt and disappointment? I never want to depend on you so much that if and when a day like that comes, I just become so utterly and completely lost. I still want to make sure that part of me remains where I can find my own strength. I can be okay no matter what. I just get scared... I've realized that this is finally the love better than anything I've ever dreamed of having for myself... but practicality tells me that although it's a dive worth taking, still build yourself strong enough that when you really need it, you're still in tact after the crashes.

No one should ever break down this way. As if the whole world is crushing you so tight, that when you finally let it release, the hurt is greater than anything you've ever imagined.

My insecurities have a way of harshly revealing themselves when over a little slightly drunk. The next morning, I only have a recollection of how I acted, but not the exact details of what I said... err, shouldn't have said. I wish I could stop doing that.

So I watched Postgrad today. Yes I know, apparently, it got pretty low ratings, and not many people enjoyed it blah blah, but I'm always down for a movie lift-me-up-with-cheesy-inspirational-moments in my life. And I seriously didn't think it was half bad. But anyways, this certain quote from the movie really struck something in me. It's simple, but suddenly I kind of had a picture of what my whole life should be about.

"I guess I finally realized that what you do with your life is really just one half of the equation. The other half... more important half... really is, who you're with when you're doing it."

For a long, long time I've been focused solely on myself. Sure family and friends were always a priority... but the actual thought of obtaining a relationship always took a backseat. I mean yeah I dated, had flings, talked to a few guys... some ended up meaning nothing to me, and less than that actually had a strong effect enough in me to make me cry (just once). I was more in a relationship with my goals and passions to make something out of myself by doing something I had a deep connection to - acting. So I went out there to Hollywood as much as I could to network, gain experience on set, audition for managers (made final rounds, but not the final cut to a 2 year contract damn), and whatnot. All I could look forward to was this brilliant future I could see myself in. I had no desire to make time for anything else...

But then I guess you could say, a different sense of happiness took over me after I met someone. It was like, you never knew that level of happiness existed until the right person came along. And it did. I was so content and happy doing what I loved to do and creating a future for myself... but this was something completely different. At the same time, I had taken almost a year off from hollywood, because of many restraints that just made it almost impossible. But lately, I have been thinking of jumping back into following my desired path, not necessarily just the acting world, but just achieving success career-wise... Sacrificing what I have now is not option. It's like, now that you know what this level of contentedness feels like, why risk that? Rather than choosing one commitment over the other, why not share that dream with someone you truly care about... So once I'm ready to jump back into that life I had left for a little while, I'll be ready to do whatever it takes to complete the full equation.

And my heart is sure it wants to be with you.

It's so easy for me to walk away... to run... when I hear something I don't want to hear. Just give me a few good while to let information sink into this sometimes chaotic head of mine, because my mind jumps from one decision to another and back possibly a hundred million times before I finally feel what's best for me. But this time, it can't just be me I'm putting in the equation. For the first time, I feel completely responsible for someone else's well-being. So there has to be that middle-ground where everyone is happy in the end.

The past is the past. But sometimes, you can't help but be scared that the past will find it's way to repeat itself in the future. It's typical. If something happens once, what's to stop it happening again? One part of me is saying that I should take all measures to prevent setting myself up for hurt and disappointment. But the other part is fighting back saying, it's not fair to punish myself and another person for a mistake that had nothing to do with me, only because i'm scared it might happen again... to me. When everything else says this is worth it, that this is possibly the best thing that will happen to me despite all doubts... then keep it.

I'm not going to be a wuss who runs every chance I get. I need to fight for what I know is worth everything I can give. I'm letting the nonsense go, and learn the value of trust.