I wish I could take back all the things I said. Things I said out of a strong moment of confusion and being completely overwhelmed by everything. After seeing what it did to you, I can't even begin to describe how much it broke my heart and how much I felt like I was the most horrible person in the world. I never want that to happen again. You shouldn't be affected for the things I do to myself. You don't deserve that, at all. I only want to make you happy, nothing less. But thank you for putting up with that and letting us move on together. I love you more than you can imagine.

The holidays this year has got me to do a lot of thinking... On one end, I can finally see what those songs are about. The feeling of having someone during this season is indescribable. I just feel so much... love. No matter what else is going on around me, what other stresses are putting me down... It's a truly wonderful feeling hearing holiday songs, walking around in this shivering weather observing holiday cheer all around, and all the while knowing, you have someone out there who truly loves you.

And then at times I get a bit sad when I think of all the typical things I've dreamed of doing with a special someone. Introducing them to all my family, friends, and loved ones. Seeing them get along so well... and having each other around to share the holidays with. Welcoming each other to some of the utmost personal parts of our lives, and becoming a part of that. I know every situation is different, and I can't let my life be ruled by my expectations... but sometimes it's a tough thought to swallow. Could it ever happen one day?

Right when I start to believe again, it comes crashing down. Why does that happen? I feel like I'm back on square one. I hate that despite how independent, confident, and self-reliant I allow myself to believe I can be, certain insecurities weigh me down. Trust is again something I can't see anymore.

I've got a little secret, floating in the back of my mind,

hitting me hard, when I'm feeling most strongly attached.

I've never truly stopped trusting you.

When things are going really well, unconsciously, you begin to expect close to perfection. You let yourself have such high expectations that fight against what you normally allow. So who is more to blame when one disappointment hits you like a blow? On one side, there ARE some things you're justified to expect from one another. On the other side, no one is perfect. And you blindly let yourself think otherwise, which in turn, could mean you inevitably hurt yourself the most. I have to remember that I have to make mistakes in order to learn and grow. But most of all, I have to remember that I have to let others do the same. While you only have one chance at certain things... Some situations do call for another chance. But just like with everything, each chance gets more and more fragile. And if we can fully commit to not making the same mistakes, then I believe that's the true test of strength of any relationship.

You give me that. When everything else in my life is breaking me down, pulling me under, and making me slowly crack into pieces... I spend a few moments with you, and suddenly... none of that matters. You put everything at ease, make everything calm again. The sense of bliss and happiness that you give me quickly makes me forget whatever pain I have to deal with when I'm not with you. That’s why I find it so hard sometimes that I can’t see you right away and might have to wait days when all I really need is you for at that one certain moment. Although the thought of you can easily distract my mind into ease, it’s still so difficult without that physical presence I sometimes really ache for.

I mean, I have amazing friends that I know deep in my heart that I can rely on no matter what... and I do take comfort in that. But there's something about the person you're in love with that give you something else. It's the three words you ache to hear in the time of need. It's the touch of the hand, and the linking of the fingers in times of hopelessness that revive your sense of hope. It's the soft kiss on the head that make you feel light as a feather as if the weight of the world on your shoulders has now been lifted.

Part of me is conscious about trying not to depend on you so much for this reason, because what if one day, which might be too inevitable to happen... we get into a mishap, and you're now the reason I feel so much hurt and disappointment? I never want to depend on you so much that if and when a day like that comes, I just become so utterly and completely lost. I still want to make sure that part of me remains where I can find my own strength. I can be okay no matter what. I just get scared... I've realized that this is finally the love better than anything I've ever dreamed of having for myself... but practicality tells me that although it's a dive worth taking, still build yourself strong enough that when you really need it, you're still in tact after the crashes.

No one should ever break down this way. As if the whole world is crushing you so tight, that when you finally let it release, the hurt is greater than anything you've ever imagined.