So I watched Postgrad today. Yes I know, apparently, it got pretty low ratings, and not many people enjoyed it blah blah, but I'm always down for a movie lift-me-up-with-cheesy-inspirational-moments in my life. And I seriously didn't think it was half bad. But anyways, this certain quote from the movie really struck something in me. It's simple, but suddenly I kind of had a picture of what my whole life should be about.

"I guess I finally realized that what you do with your life is really just one half of the equation. The other half... more important half... really is, who you're with when you're doing it."

For a long, long time I've been focused solely on myself. Sure family and friends were always a priority... but the actual thought of obtaining a relationship always took a backseat. I mean yeah I dated, had flings, talked to a few guys... some ended up meaning nothing to me, and less than that actually had a strong effect enough in me to make me cry (just once). I was more in a relationship with my goals and passions to make something out of myself by doing something I had a deep connection to - acting. So I went out there to Hollywood as much as I could to network, gain experience on set, audition for managers (made final rounds, but not the final cut to a 2 year contract damn), and whatnot. All I could look forward to was this brilliant future I could see myself in. I had no desire to make time for anything else...

But then I guess you could say, a different sense of happiness took over me after I met someone. It was like, you never knew that level of happiness existed until the right person came along. And it did. I was so content and happy doing what I loved to do and creating a future for myself... but this was something completely different. At the same time, I had taken almost a year off from hollywood, because of many restraints that just made it almost impossible. But lately, I have been thinking of jumping back into following my desired path, not necessarily just the acting world, but just achieving success career-wise... Sacrificing what I have now is not option. It's like, now that you know what this level of contentedness feels like, why risk that? Rather than choosing one commitment over the other, why not share that dream with someone you truly care about... So once I'm ready to jump back into that life I had left for a little while, I'll be ready to do whatever it takes to complete the full equation.

And my heart is sure it wants to be with you.

It's so easy for me to walk away... to run... when I hear something I don't want to hear. Just give me a few good while to let information sink into this sometimes chaotic head of mine, because my mind jumps from one decision to another and back possibly a hundred million times before I finally feel what's best for me. But this time, it can't just be me I'm putting in the equation. For the first time, I feel completely responsible for someone else's well-being. So there has to be that middle-ground where everyone is happy in the end.

The past is the past. But sometimes, you can't help but be scared that the past will find it's way to repeat itself in the future. It's typical. If something happens once, what's to stop it happening again? One part of me is saying that I should take all measures to prevent setting myself up for hurt and disappointment. But the other part is fighting back saying, it's not fair to punish myself and another person for a mistake that had nothing to do with me, only because i'm scared it might happen again... to me. When everything else says this is worth it, that this is possibly the best thing that will happen to me despite all doubts... then keep it.

I'm not going to be a wuss who runs every chance I get. I need to fight for what I know is worth everything I can give. I'm letting the nonsense go, and learn the value of trust.