Roll the window down...

It's so hard for me to just sit here when I constantly think about how different things will be even months from now. The differences that I want to happen. I just want life to start, is that so bad? I was driving to LA last night... btw, driving by yourself is so liberating. Just the process of driving off some place on your own accounts for a big part of that excitement. The traffic killed that mood, but right when I reached the 101 hollywood freeway, my heart jumped again. I wanted to slow down and just breathe it all in. I guess the city has always fascinated me... even the dirty, l0ck-your-doors areas are part of the big picture... a picture so beautiful. So for a good while today, I spent looking at places to rent... it's not easy, but I know it's out there. I still have my doubts, of course, but there's no way in hell anything's going to stop me from doing what I have to do.

Starting from when I was a kid, I've always had that mindset where I made sure I didn't depend on anyone too much. And as I got older, that sense of independence became more and more clear. I have dreams of living on my own.. as I've said before, I love driving with just me, good music, and a neverending road... drinking a latte at a cafe with a good book... hell, I even often go to the bathroom by myself. Baffling I know. But really, I just think at this age, 18 going on 19... there's no better time to find yourself. Even if that means getting hurt and kicking yourself in the process. If I can't eat three meals a day because I can't support myself that way, then so be it. The key phrease here is "support myself." That I'm willing to do whatever it takes. And maybe part of it is, i've always been a romantic. And there is something so deeply romantic about leaving everything behind to find your own way.

Don't get me wrong, I also have the worst homesickness there is. Oh, why.

It's yours to keep.

Those starbucks days weren't so bad... I mean, sure, my co-workers would laugh and say, "Diane... you're not... YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY READING THOSE CUPS, are you?" as if, it was the worst thing to do for passing time. I guess they hadn't realized that these cardboard cups would little by little build up the optimist in me. After they'd laugh and point, I would just smile back because as silly as it is, small words in small places CAN feed you a big, happy meal. I was fed, and they chose to not even try it, so it was definitely not my loss.

And of course there's a reason for everything. There's a reason for why I chose to start this off with a certain quote from a starbucks cup. No, I am not going back to my old job... Not even close. The atmosphere engulfing everyone right now is just... I don't have any words for it. Rejection. Acceptance. Confusion. Hope. Otherwise known as the life-alternating letters/or with technology these days - college letters via internet as the cause of this madness. For the past year, my attitude has been "whatever happens, happens. I want to live TODAY. and if i'm happy today, but it affects the future, WHATEVER. as long as i'm living day to day." and of course, in the back of my mind I knew that chances were, I would get fucked over. Even so, I post-poned my SAT's to the very last minute, shitty score. When it came down to a long night of a study, or a fun night of having a good time... the good time it was. I BS-ed my way and did things half-assed where it should've mattered the most.

So when it came down to choosing colleges, I brought it down to what I deserved. No way did I even reach for "dream" status schools. No Yale, no Colombia... I wasn't upset though. I just knew that road wasn't for me... not right now. I had other plans, plans that didn't revolve around going to a prestige college first. I have my reasons for wanting to start a life in Los Angeles. My choices were based around that fact... It HAD to be close to, in, or around LA. Ultimately, UCLA would just be the most convenient and top preference. But as time went by, I cared less and less for UCLA because even though the school is gorgeous and is the kind of campus I dream of, they don't have ANY of my choice of possible majors, I don't like the Uni-esque/competitiveness/book-smart atmosphere...

So UCSB crept its way to the top of my list. I can bear with traveling 2 hrs to and from LA a few times a week, that's the only "big" problem anyway. I could study what I want because they provide it. Far enough from home. Completely different people to interact with. Love the campus. So today, after getting rejected from UCSD, and thinking, well I never gave that school much thought anyway, it was still crushing... I realized my nerves began to get the best of me when I then went to go check for Santa Barbara. My "whatever happens, happens" attitude was diminishing in high speed. And then there it was. "UCSB Status: You're Admitted!" Granted, it's not an NYU or a Yale, but honestly, everyone's different in what roads will lead them to success. And it's safe to say, that as great and amazing it is that friends and peers are getting into TOP NOTCH places, it's even more amazing when it's a place and path where your happiness and true excitement are stored. That's what really matters isn't it? Having a place to put your heart in? And absolutely being in that moment where the future is yours.

It could be a double-life.

On one of those days, I meet this young man.. an aspiring director he is. We were both working on set, but with very different intentions. He looks at me and asks, "You want to be an actor, don't you?" I'm hesitant because as simple as the question is, it's also the most complicated thought I fight with every day. So I say, "Ideally, yes.... But.... I still want to be practical. " He interrupts me from going on and smiles, "No, I can definitely see you on the big screen. As a visionary director, I have that critical eye to see it." Was I supposed to say thank you... I mean, it's not like I proved myself to him in any way. He just "saw" something that could mean nothing. But sometimes it's not about what you're capable of. It IS about what they initially see in you that gets your foot in the door... and luck. Then, when you get past that, hope that you have some damn great talent to KEEP your foot on that side of the door.

Anything can happen because I decided that I will do what it takes to follow my heart's desires. Already, I'm beginning to make some large sacrifices, but at the end of the day, I know it's worth it. If I go with my gut instinct, with no hesitation, I'm doing something right. Because it feels right. I'm willing to give up what solid plan I have now, to pursue a shaky one... because it's that shaky, ohmygodwhatwillhappennow one... that makes me feel so alive.