You've really got a way with me.

Wake Up

God this sucks... I hate hate hate how I can't just be like, wake up Diane, it's not that bad, there's so many things to smile about. That's what I want so bad, to have that control... So I think that a night of sleep will somehow make things a lot more better and clearer in the morning... I'm wrong. I don't cry like this often. But I can't seem to stop randomly getting choked up throughout the day... I can't seem to stop the tears from building when I text anyone as if i'm good ol' dandy. I mean I know how he is... why does it still affect me like this? It makes me feel like a different person that I never want to be.

It's when it hurts like hell every time someone asks "are you okay" that you know things are wrong. Cope with me, it's times like these it hurts a little less to stop talking to anyone... To be distant.

Never Win

You always find a way to question my worth as a human being. I know I'm far from perfect, but I also know I'm far from the inexcusable person you seem to think I am. Every single time I isolate myself, feel the need to be alone... it's because I don't know what to think of myself. It's because you made that happen. And dammit, my pride can only hold so much. It still hurts. I'll never show it, but the more I keep that from you, the worse I am to you.

Sometimes there's a bigger picture. And if you don't try to see it, you can't blame anyone else for the hurt you put on yourself.

After all is said and done... It's difficult, I let you down.

Reckless

Ahh I don't mean to abandon you, blogspot. You're still the only place I keep my most personal thoughts in... since tumblr is more of a, "oh I like this quote/picture, it might even pertain to my life" thing. So....

Maybe one reason I haven't put down in words what I've been feeling lately is because... I have this strange superstitious belief that if I express it out loud, the good will disappear. I guess in the past, I correlated good things ending to me saying it out loud to someone else. It sounds kind of dumb, but you gotta do what it takes to keep things in your life right? Even if it's through irrational thoughts. Maybe. But all I will say is that... things happen that you can't help and sometimes you have to let yourself stop thinking so much that you won't find every wrong reason to push it away.

Of course things can't always run 100% smoothly. You can't make everyone happy... I don't want to lose you, but I can't be selfish... If being away from me is what you need, I have to understand that. I'm just sorry things turned out this way. We all know it's nobody's fault but you can't help but feel your gut turn when you know you were a part of someone else's pain... Someone you took into your life permanently. And now, you can't even be a part of their life without hurting them.

Hope for the best? I sure am.