Think, Do, Happen

It's really something else when you realize that something you have now, was only this fragment of idea that consumed your thoughts once upon a time. But it takes awhile to actually see it, and go, wow, life does work in your favor through one persistent mindset. I'm beginning to believe more and more in our individual power to just.. make things happen.. especially when you don't even realize that it's happening before your eyes.

Four years ago, I was a wee little freshman (in my attitude not necessarily my physicality because sadly, I haven't progressed in an acceptable height) who completely admired and looked up to the leads and cast members of the huge theatre productions at my own high school. I saw them as these big people who can do amazing things, and who just look so good being in charge. I admired even those who lead the drama club. Everything. And now... I look back and at this point, i'm not just one of those people, i'm all of them. (And that's not meant to sound big-headed in anyway). What i'm trying to say is that i've been given the responsibilities of most of the people I admired combined. And I never sat back and saw it that way until recently. Because four years ago, I never would've imagined that I could be doing so much, let alone being handed the job as assistant director of the musical.. where at first it's like, oh okay cool no biggie, just another job to have fun with. But then, I allowed myself to think harder. 14 spots in a cast. 1 spot for a VP. 1 spot for an AD. I definitely have taken the whole picture for granted.

That was way longer than I intended but my point is that how small or big this might mean to me... Many things have happened this way where you could only imagine it being true, and it hits you at one point, that wow, "this was exactly what I wanted." It just gives me good hope that the same will happen for even bigger and better things in the future. *knockonwood.

Misery Loves Company

So i've had this extreme pain running through the side of my throat for the past, what four days? Look, I like to think I can tolerate pain pretty well... i've had a history of aches you probably wouldn't want me to put in detail. But this, this is unbearable. I described it to someone as "a knife poking my throat harder and harder each time I swallow my own saliva... and this is without exaggeration." I went to the doctor just to make sure it wasn't strep, (and because my paranoid mother tried to convince me that the virus could spread to my heart), so doctor here I am! And what do you know.. they didn't tell me anything I couldn't figure out myself. It's not strep. Take tylenol. Um THANKS. Then what the fuck is in there that's keeping me so miserable? Since the doctor disappointed me so, I did my own research. I've come to the conclusion, that no, it's not a regular sore throat, I mean it certainly doesn't feel like a regular sore throat. It's fucking canker sores that spread through the linings of my throat. Yes, those red outlined white holes you get when you bite the inside of your mouth. In my throat. Oh, btw, TMI. I'm sorry.

There are moments when life throws you a big curve-ball smack dab in the face.

You sit there. And you curse yourself the more for continuing to sit there.

Letting each moment pass you by.

Until the huge realization (the pain that comes after being hit by the ball) overcomes your every thought and movement.

And you think, "That's it. The epiphany i've been waiting for all my life... Why in the world am I sitting here when the world is calling out to me to get off my ass and be where I want to be... which is nowhere near here."

[Picture from LJSecret].

I just had the most amazing dream last night. Not only was it amazing, it was very.... realistic. And it actually worked when I woke up, tried to go back to sleep, only to continue the dream again. And I did. But what happens when a dream gets too good? You have to wake up. :[

I dreamt that I was in love with the most perfect guy (his face was not familiar at all), and everything we did just oozed out passionate feelings, deep love, true happiness... that it felt so damn real. How is that possible?

Well, that's a pretty nice way to start off my first night going into the new year. I could only hope that this time, it does mean something... but hey, we only believe in signs after it happens right? And so my cheeseball venting is done. Happy New Years.