I never want to relive those two heaviest, most painful days of my life that happened earlier this week. I was hurt, I was confused, angry... and made a hasty decision. Decisions should not be made and acted upon when highly emotionalized. I always told myself I would never make a decision like that unless I completely meant it and knew completely I wouldn't take it back. I don't want to be one of those relationships where you break up a million times and everybody gets sick of it. This is the first time it happened, and I want to make sure it's the last. Although I was hurt by some of your actions, I hurt both of us to the extreme by dealing with it the way I did. I just didn't know what else to do. But every word you said to me after it happened, even though I acted cold and stubborn, I knew you genuinely meant it all. I believed it. It broke my heart even more knowing you were out there hurting just as much as I was.... yet you kept fighting for us. No matter how hard I stood my ground, and insisted on ending everything, you wouldn't give up on me... on us. And that meant more to me than anything I could ever ask for. No one said relationships were supposed to be easy... What we have is worth fighting for. Thank you for reminding me of that. Thank you for being strong when I couldn't. My heart felt you in every way when you told me that, and I couldn't agree more. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but you.

I'm ready for this. Sometimes you don't realize what you're missing until you find it again. It's not even a big deal, it's nothing great, but just the fact of being on set again and being around people who remind me so much of myself when I had such motivation. The drive, the passion... I was contacted by someone I met two years ago on the set of Alvin & the Chipmunks (The Squeakquel). In the past two years, he has gotten himself to work for Warner Brothers in their music video department where one of his jobs is to assist in casting. He asked me to be in Yellowcard's new video, and thankfully, it was a day I was off work. He's asked me a few times the last few months, but each time I was scheduled to work already ah. And being there... it made me want more. It made me remember how much I wanted this. It made me re-see the future I've tried to fight so hard for, but lost in the last year due to family troubles, which required me to need a stable job at home, while still balancing it with school. But this was the second moment of epiphany I had.

The first was a couple of weeks ago when I met up an old friend from theatre. We had dinner and it just amazed me to hear all his wonderful stories about being a theatre major in NYU. He's doing what it takes to achieve everything he's dreamed of. Back in high school, we shared these dreams and we helped truly push each other so that we could make these dreams realistic in the future. I told him he will make it into Broadway doing amazing things. He always told me he sees me going really far in the film acting industry with an Oscar in my hand one day. In those days, the future seemed so bright and exciting. It saddens me that I lost sight of that in the last year. Don't get me wrong, a lot a great things has happened in the last year as well, that has contributed to such happiness in my life. Being in an unbelievable relationship with an amazing person has been such a blessing. This relationship has kept my balance with life sane and do-able. But now, I think it's time to add onto this balance. I need to work on myself... in a career I can never long forget about.

I really hate myself when I get into these funks.

I get disappointed over little things and it affects my mood for days. It makes me think about bigger issues I shouldn't be. It makes me find it hard to trust again. I want to learn to trust you so badly, but it seems the past dictates that. My past, our past, your past. It shatters me how much I think about the things that could go wrong. I get mad thinking about things that could happen, when I should trust that it won't. And then there's my pride. I have too much pride to even bring up what's eating at me. So I hide behind a wall, and act as if I don't need anyone. I don't need to depend on anyone to make my day. I don't need to wait for that one small phone call to make my day complete. I don't need it. So, if I can't say anything, what else can I do but start allowing myself to keep you in my life less. Talk to you less. For what? So I can show myself that I'm just as fine without you? All from one small thing that made me more upset than it should have....

I wish I could take back all the things I said. Things I said out of a strong moment of confusion and being completely overwhelmed by everything. After seeing what it did to you, I can't even begin to describe how much it broke my heart and how much I felt like I was the most horrible person in the world. I never want that to happen again. You shouldn't be affected for the things I do to myself. You don't deserve that, at all. I only want to make you happy, nothing less. But thank you for putting up with that and letting us move on together. I love you more than you can imagine.

The holidays this year has got me to do a lot of thinking... On one end, I can finally see what those songs are about. The feeling of having someone during this season is indescribable. I just feel so much... love. No matter what else is going on around me, what other stresses are putting me down... It's a truly wonderful feeling hearing holiday songs, walking around in this shivering weather observing holiday cheer all around, and all the while knowing, you have someone out there who truly loves you.

And then at times I get a bit sad when I think of all the typical things I've dreamed of doing with a special someone. Introducing them to all my family, friends, and loved ones. Seeing them get along so well... and having each other around to share the holidays with. Welcoming each other to some of the utmost personal parts of our lives, and becoming a part of that. I know every situation is different, and I can't let my life be ruled by my expectations... but sometimes it's a tough thought to swallow. Could it ever happen one day?

Right when I start to believe again, it comes crashing down. Why does that happen? I feel like I'm back on square one. I hate that despite how independent, confident, and self-reliant I allow myself to believe I can be, certain insecurities weigh me down. Trust is again something I can't see anymore.

I've got a little secret, floating in the back of my mind,

hitting me hard, when I'm feeling most strongly attached.

I've never truly stopped trusting you.