I wish I could take back all the things I said. Things I said out of a strong moment of confusion and being completely overwhelmed by everything. After seeing what it did to you, I can't even begin to describe how much it broke my heart and how much I felt like I was the most horrible person in the world. I never want that to happen again. You shouldn't be affected for the things I do to myself. You don't deserve that, at all. I only want to make you happy, nothing less. But thank you for putting up with that and letting us move on together. I love you more than you can imagine.

The holidays this year has got me to do a lot of thinking... On one end, I can finally see what those songs are about. The feeling of having someone during this season is indescribable. I just feel so much... love. No matter what else is going on around me, what other stresses are putting me down... It's a truly wonderful feeling hearing holiday songs, walking around in this shivering weather observing holiday cheer all around, and all the while knowing, you have someone out there who truly loves you.

And then at times I get a bit sad when I think of all the typical things I've dreamed of doing with a special someone. Introducing them to all my family, friends, and loved ones. Seeing them get along so well... and having each other around to share the holidays with. Welcoming each other to some of the utmost personal parts of our lives, and becoming a part of that. I know every situation is different, and I can't let my life be ruled by my expectations... but sometimes it's a tough thought to swallow. Could it ever happen one day?

Right when I start to believe again, it comes crashing down. Why does that happen? I feel like I'm back on square one. I hate that despite how independent, confident, and self-reliant I allow myself to believe I can be, certain insecurities weigh me down. Trust is again something I can't see anymore.

I've got a little secret, floating in the back of my mind,

hitting me hard, when I'm feeling most strongly attached.

I've never truly stopped trusting you.

When things are going really well, unconsciously, you begin to expect close to perfection. You let yourself have such high expectations that fight against what you normally allow. So who is more to blame when one disappointment hits you like a blow? On one side, there ARE some things you're justified to expect from one another. On the other side, no one is perfect. And you blindly let yourself think otherwise, which in turn, could mean you inevitably hurt yourself the most. I have to remember that I have to make mistakes in order to learn and grow. But most of all, I have to remember that I have to let others do the same. While you only have one chance at certain things... Some situations do call for another chance. But just like with everything, each chance gets more and more fragile. And if we can fully commit to not making the same mistakes, then I believe that's the true test of strength of any relationship.

You give me that. When everything else in my life is breaking me down, pulling me under, and making me slowly crack into pieces... I spend a few moments with you, and suddenly... none of that matters. You put everything at ease, make everything calm again. The sense of bliss and happiness that you give me quickly makes me forget whatever pain I have to deal with when I'm not with you. That’s why I find it so hard sometimes that I can’t see you right away and might have to wait days when all I really need is you for at that one certain moment. Although the thought of you can easily distract my mind into ease, it’s still so difficult without that physical presence I sometimes really ache for.

I mean, I have amazing friends that I know deep in my heart that I can rely on no matter what... and I do take comfort in that. But there's something about the person you're in love with that give you something else. It's the three words you ache to hear in the time of need. It's the touch of the hand, and the linking of the fingers in times of hopelessness that revive your sense of hope. It's the soft kiss on the head that make you feel light as a feather as if the weight of the world on your shoulders has now been lifted.

Part of me is conscious about trying not to depend on you so much for this reason, because what if one day, which might be too inevitable to happen... we get into a mishap, and you're now the reason I feel so much hurt and disappointment? I never want to depend on you so much that if and when a day like that comes, I just become so utterly and completely lost. I still want to make sure that part of me remains where I can find my own strength. I can be okay no matter what. I just get scared... I've realized that this is finally the love better than anything I've ever dreamed of having for myself... but practicality tells me that although it's a dive worth taking, still build yourself strong enough that when you really need it, you're still in tact after the crashes.

No one should ever break down this way. As if the whole world is crushing you so tight, that when you finally let it release, the hurt is greater than anything you've ever imagined.

My insecurities have a way of harshly revealing themselves when over a little slightly drunk. The next morning, I only have a recollection of how I acted, but not the exact details of what I said... err, shouldn't have said. I wish I could stop doing that.

So I watched Postgrad today. Yes I know, apparently, it got pretty low ratings, and not many people enjoyed it blah blah, but I'm always down for a movie lift-me-up-with-cheesy-inspirational-moments in my life. And I seriously didn't think it was half bad. But anyways, this certain quote from the movie really struck something in me. It's simple, but suddenly I kind of had a picture of what my whole life should be about.

"I guess I finally realized that what you do with your life is really just one half of the equation. The other half... more important half... really is, who you're with when you're doing it."

For a long, long time I've been focused solely on myself. Sure family and friends were always a priority... but the actual thought of obtaining a relationship always took a backseat. I mean yeah I dated, had flings, talked to a few guys... some ended up meaning nothing to me, and less than that actually had a strong effect enough in me to make me cry (just once). I was more in a relationship with my goals and passions to make something out of myself by doing something I had a deep connection to - acting. So I went out there to Hollywood as much as I could to network, gain experience on set, audition for managers (made final rounds, but not the final cut to a 2 year contract damn), and whatnot. All I could look forward to was this brilliant future I could see myself in. I had no desire to make time for anything else...

But then I guess you could say, a different sense of happiness took over me after I met someone. It was like, you never knew that level of happiness existed until the right person came along. And it did. I was so content and happy doing what I loved to do and creating a future for myself... but this was something completely different. At the same time, I had taken almost a year off from hollywood, because of many restraints that just made it almost impossible. But lately, I have been thinking of jumping back into following my desired path, not necessarily just the acting world, but just achieving success career-wise... Sacrificing what I have now is not option. It's like, now that you know what this level of contentedness feels like, why risk that? Rather than choosing one commitment over the other, why not share that dream with someone you truly care about... So once I'm ready to jump back into that life I had left for a little while, I'll be ready to do whatever it takes to complete the full equation.

And my heart is sure it wants to be with you.

It's so easy for me to walk away... to run... when I hear something I don't want to hear. Just give me a few good while to let information sink into this sometimes chaotic head of mine, because my mind jumps from one decision to another and back possibly a hundred million times before I finally feel what's best for me. But this time, it can't just be me I'm putting in the equation. For the first time, I feel completely responsible for someone else's well-being. So there has to be that middle-ground where everyone is happy in the end.

The past is the past. But sometimes, you can't help but be scared that the past will find it's way to repeat itself in the future. It's typical. If something happens once, what's to stop it happening again? One part of me is saying that I should take all measures to prevent setting myself up for hurt and disappointment. But the other part is fighting back saying, it's not fair to punish myself and another person for a mistake that had nothing to do with me, only because i'm scared it might happen again... to me. When everything else says this is worth it, that this is possibly the best thing that will happen to me despite all doubts... then keep it.

I'm not going to be a wuss who runs every chance I get. I need to fight for what I know is worth everything I can give. I'm letting the nonsense go, and learn the value of trust.

I hate how sometimes, one word can instantly bring me back to the past, and the next thing I know, this sense of being vulnerably insecure washes over me. I don't compare myself to other girls because I'm not like that and I think it's foolish for anyone to put themselves through that. "Oh I wish I was as pretty as her" or "Why can't I be like her?" I make sure to NEVER do that... there's no point. I'm comfortable in my own skin of course, but sometimes it happens. You just got to try your best to knock yourself out of it. It's human, I guess.

I want so much to believe. But then I feel I do. Maybe what I want then is to know nothing could break that belief.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

After all, we're only human.

It kills me to feel this way.

For the first time, I don't quite know... how to say how I feel.

What matters most of all?

I want to be enough.

I'm not as strong as I lead myself to believe. And that... that scares me more than anything.

I have so much emotion going on inside of me right now and I just don't know what to do it. It's all mixed and jumbled and I want to keep it that way... once I put one emotion above the rest, I'm scared of what it can potentially do to me. I hate over-analyzing... I mean doesn't everyone? But it makes you think and do unfair things to undeserving people. I don't even know if half the things I'm saying right now makes as much sense as it does in my own thoughts... I just want everything to come into place.

For the longest time, I've always been the one never to show true, raw emotion. But I think that's when you contain it at its fullest. Maybe deep inside I've always been afraid that my emotions wouldn't match someone else's. So while I lied to myself, to my closest friends, to the people it might mean the most to.... everything just dissipated until forgotten and something else came along... all the while the same background routine occurs despite how different the situation and people are. But then maybe it's because through your gut instincts, you found a reason to see that none of these people were worth un-peeling yourself for... and the moment you realize that is the moment you realize that there exists someone who is.

Babbles

For the first time in a really long time, I can say I'm content with all aspects of my life right now. School starts next week and oddly but reasonably enough, I'm psyched. Work kept me busy but I was lacking that balance of both physical AND mind stamina. Once all of that is settled, i'll finally be ready enough to jump back into the world that's remained a constant passion for me... acting. I can't begin to describe how much I've missed reading scripts and placing all my energy into making a character as my own... finding that character within me. Some people might not understand how seriously I take it sometimes because while I do it because of the enjoyment it brings, I stay with it because of what it does to me internally.

Then there are the personal parts of my life that again, I can say I'm very content with. It's always been against my way to show how I really feel but this time around, I learned it doesn't always backfire when you decide to give yourself away. You can't be afraid to risk certain things because then you might miss even bigger things. I need to stop believing in jinxing people's emotions because that's the way to really lose them.

You've really got a way with me.

Wake Up

God this sucks... I hate hate hate how I can't just be like, wake up Diane, it's not that bad, there's so many things to smile about. That's what I want so bad, to have that control... So I think that a night of sleep will somehow make things a lot more better and clearer in the morning... I'm wrong. I don't cry like this often. But I can't seem to stop randomly getting choked up throughout the day... I can't seem to stop the tears from building when I text anyone as if i'm good ol' dandy. I mean I know how he is... why does it still affect me like this? It makes me feel like a different person that I never want to be.

It's when it hurts like hell every time someone asks "are you okay" that you know things are wrong. Cope with me, it's times like these it hurts a little less to stop talking to anyone... To be distant.

Never Win

You always find a way to question my worth as a human being. I know I'm far from perfect, but I also know I'm far from the inexcusable person you seem to think I am. Every single time I isolate myself, feel the need to be alone... it's because I don't know what to think of myself. It's because you made that happen. And dammit, my pride can only hold so much. It still hurts. I'll never show it, but the more I keep that from you, the worse I am to you.