Think, Do, Happen

It's really something else when you realize that something you have now, was only this fragment of idea that consumed your thoughts once upon a time. But it takes awhile to actually see it, and go, wow, life does work in your favor through one persistent mindset. I'm beginning to believe more and more in our individual power to just.. make things happen.. especially when you don't even realize that it's happening before your eyes.

Four years ago, I was a wee little freshman (in my attitude not necessarily my physicality because sadly, I haven't progressed in an acceptable height) who completely admired and looked up to the leads and cast members of the huge theatre productions at my own high school. I saw them as these big people who can do amazing things, and who just look so good being in charge. I admired even those who lead the drama club. Everything. And now... I look back and at this point, i'm not just one of those people, i'm all of them. (And that's not meant to sound big-headed in anyway). What i'm trying to say is that i've been given the responsibilities of most of the people I admired combined. And I never sat back and saw it that way until recently. Because four years ago, I never would've imagined that I could be doing so much, let alone being handed the job as assistant director of the musical.. where at first it's like, oh okay cool no biggie, just another job to have fun with. But then, I allowed myself to think harder. 14 spots in a cast. 1 spot for a VP. 1 spot for an AD. I definitely have taken the whole picture for granted.

That was way longer than I intended but my point is that how small or big this might mean to me... Many things have happened this way where you could only imagine it being true, and it hits you at one point, that wow, "this was exactly what I wanted." It just gives me good hope that the same will happen for even bigger and better things in the future. *knockonwood.

Misery Loves Company

So i've had this extreme pain running through the side of my throat for the past, what four days? Look, I like to think I can tolerate pain pretty well... i've had a history of aches you probably wouldn't want me to put in detail. But this, this is unbearable. I described it to someone as "a knife poking my throat harder and harder each time I swallow my own saliva... and this is without exaggeration." I went to the doctor just to make sure it wasn't strep, (and because my paranoid mother tried to convince me that the virus could spread to my heart), so doctor here I am! And what do you know.. they didn't tell me anything I couldn't figure out myself. It's not strep. Take tylenol. Um THANKS. Then what the fuck is in there that's keeping me so miserable? Since the doctor disappointed me so, I did my own research. I've come to the conclusion, that no, it's not a regular sore throat, I mean it certainly doesn't feel like a regular sore throat. It's fucking canker sores that spread through the linings of my throat. Yes, those red outlined white holes you get when you bite the inside of your mouth. In my throat. Oh, btw, TMI. I'm sorry.

There are moments when life throws you a big curve-ball smack dab in the face.

You sit there. And you curse yourself the more for continuing to sit there.

Letting each moment pass you by.

Until the huge realization (the pain that comes after being hit by the ball) overcomes your every thought and movement.

And you think, "That's it. The epiphany i've been waiting for all my life... Why in the world am I sitting here when the world is calling out to me to get off my ass and be where I want to be... which is nowhere near here."

[Picture from LJSecret].

I just had the most amazing dream last night. Not only was it amazing, it was very.... realistic. And it actually worked when I woke up, tried to go back to sleep, only to continue the dream again. And I did. But what happens when a dream gets too good? You have to wake up. :[

I dreamt that I was in love with the most perfect guy (his face was not familiar at all), and everything we did just oozed out passionate feelings, deep love, true happiness... that it felt so damn real. How is that possible?

Well, that's a pretty nice way to start off my first night going into the new year. I could only hope that this time, it does mean something... but hey, we only believe in signs after it happens right? And so my cheeseball venting is done. Happy New Years.

Lately, everything's an option.. and nothing a choice.

It's as if i'm the one preventing anything from being enough. As if.. i'm creating the flaws where there aren't any. I want to drown myself in the city life. Crazy, passionate, hectic, lively. It's one thing to feel alive.. and it's another to feel so alive that you forget that your inner peace is what really holds you together.

You deserve to feel alive. He doesn't deserve to be the one that makes you feel that way.

In theatre, we talked about how everyone has their public persona vs. private solitude. And it eventually got me to really consider it. Do we all really wear masks when with other people, no matter who it is? Of course I know part of that is just.. it's human to act differently when you're by yourself. It's honest. But do we all really go out of our way not in terms of acting differently, but trying to place ourselves in a certain light? In a light that we choose to allow people to see? Personally, I'm aware that people portray me as that happy, go-lucky girl. That's just something I chose. And that's okay. When something's terribly upsetting me, well i'm still that happy go-lucky girl. I guess it's just easier for some than others to expose their vulnerability. I'm clearly not one of those people, and is that okay? Or is that a mask that should be put away? We all wear masks. And hopefully, we find someone who can be kind enough to take it off for us from time to time.

Men were born to lie. And women were born to believe them.

It bothers me. It bothers me to the point I have to constantly remind myself that it's something I don't have to forgive myself for. He's the last person that deserves an ounce of thought from me. Then what the fuck is the problem? There has been no one else to replace those feelings.... This to me is clear though. I don't miss him. Not in hell... But i'd be greatly lying if I said I didn't miss what was there. How he made me feel. How it came close to the type of intimacy I imagined having with someone.

To the people who didn't believe me when I said I wasn't emotionally attached... i'm sorry it took me too late to realize that I was a big pile of bullshit. Because when I finally did accept it, it hit me a lot harder. And that, I regret. I still can try to convince myself and others that it was no biggie, it was just something that flew in and out of my life.

But how can I convince myself when at the end of the day, it's the same thoughts over and over again. Thoughts that I can't forgive myself for having... thoughts about a person who at one point made me feel this happiness different from anything i've ever felt before.. who happens to be the same person that I consider the joke of my life. Mistake? Maybe not. A long long time later, and i'm still consumed by this? Come on, Diane. Really? And really, it's not about him. It's the fact that I'm programmed to fall in love... with love. The idea, the potential.. it was perfect. I just wasn't fortunate enough to match it with a decent guy.