Take Me There

It's been awhile since I've had a reaaaaally good weekend... especially on a real fri-sun weekend. With work, my weekends are usually mon-tues and well, not much happens on weeknights. Went clubbing two nights in a row! Even with work at 8 and 9 am each day HA, it seems like a good idea hours before you actually have to wake up. But no regrets. Totally worth it! Sharks on Thurs with two of my coworkers and some of their uci friends. It was totally fun hanging out with them outside the workplace. "Wow! It's weird to see you outside of work... you're like a normal person!" Yeah.... that happens. HAHA. But as for the club itself... eh, nothing special. It just had one of the reasons why I'm not always too psyched about clubbing... creepy men who think it's okay to just come up behind you and run their hands over your legs and shit. Wtf man, get outta here.


WHICH brings me to the next club... RAGE and why I absolutelyfuckinglove it. It's my second time going and definitely not my last. It makes me never want to go to a 18+ straight club again HAHA. You rarely have to worry about strange men at a gay club. Girls coming on to you are not creepy at all, since they're so fun about it LOL. And gay men are the cutest! Both in a hot-unattainable way AND in just a too damn adorable way. Went to see one of my best friends that I grew up with in NC, Kamille! God I love her. Took my other girls with me and I'm pretty sure it's a scene they all fell in love with as well. For a moment there, Kamille and I just stood at the upstairs balcony and watched over the people dancing downstairs and I completely got her when she said how wonderful it was to see all this culture... It's real, and it's fascinating. Makes me so much more excited to move out to LA. Finally see the world for what it is, this Orange County shit is just way too superficial, conservative, and not enough for a 19 year old.

It always makes me happy to meet people so easy to get along with. And that's why I love the gay world. It's the most outgoing and stick-it-as-it-is world to be in. I end up enjoying a person's company in the five minutes I meet them. I have one gay best friend here in Irvine and I wish I was able to introduce him to this world Kamille introduced me to before he left to do it on his own in college. He had to hide himself here. It's not that he was ashamed by any means. He cared too much about making other people feel awkward. Which I think was too selfless on his part. And I hope that he finally finds the place that i've seen where all of this is completely acceptable. I love being a hag. Hhahaha :)

Feud

It just gets too much sometimes. Too frustrating. My dad always has to be complaining about something. Yes, I understand that after he got laid off, it's easier for everyone to get irritated. But come on. Sometimes I just want to blow my pride away and say, "I'm still a kid!" But that's not what I want. I use a good chunk, often even HALF, of every one of my paychecks towards bills... while at the same time trying to save up for college and for rent when I move out. All this from a fucking minimum hourly job. His come-back is always giving me crap about how I spend money by eating out with friends a lot, but that's my business. What, i'm just going to live my life working and spending the money how HE thinks I should spend it? Not have a social life? I don't want any sympathy or shit, but when you're my father, and you ask for money so easily, and then get mad when I don't want to use money for a fucking car wash... it's frustrating. I just want you to at least feel a little appreciative that I'm not asking you to pay for my college... not asking you to help me move out on my own. I'm being as understandable and cooperative as I can. I just wish you'd do the same.

Five Years

I've never really thought about this before, but I actually find pure enjoyment in getting to know people... meeting people... forming new relationships Yeah it sounds like it's just a basic life thing, but for me I think it's going to have a lot to do a lot with my future job. Besides my dream job to be a professional actor, my dream "realistic" job is to be in communications and public relations. I want to work for people, be the one that people come to. I want to have a huge network and stay busy by living the fast paced life of schedules, events, and phone calls. It's weird, don't underestimate the long term effects high school has on you. Doing such things as being a house manager and co-director of the big shows those years, people came up to me, patted my back, and thanked me for staying so busy and getting everything done. I actually loved every second of it. I like running around, checking to make sure everyone is doing what they're supposed, making the important people seeing the show that night feel completely comfortable... It feels good to know that you have a vision of yourself five years from now. The next step is to just fight like hell to get there.

Little Brown Bag

I was watching "Degrassi Goes Hollywood" and my dad totally sat through the whole movie... He must've been bored out of his mind. HAHA. It was okay... I love me my Degrassi, but yeah it was definitely a "TV" movie. Nothing more. It's true, THEY KNOW DRAMA. :P Okay enough of me as a total nerd.

Hmm I went shopping for the first time this summer this last week... And I can't believe I almost forgot how blissful it feels... to ache for that one item until you get it. This is a bad habit waiting to happen. Whatever man! Working full time all summer, I think I deserve a little self-treatment. Eh, well. I know where all that money went... food. I would get a paycheck every two weeks and in those two weeks, that's 14 days... of carelessly going out for food. It adds up... what a little bitch. I bought a top for $15, and thought... this could've been my dinner. And wow what a difference it makes! Now I used that $15 for something that'll last me more than half an hour of satisfaction. So I got an idea. Eat out less, spend extra money on clothes instead. Man i'm brilliant.

Five months and my life will begin.

Who are we to judge?

You know, I can't believe I've only come to fully get a grasp on this until this now. College and these next excruciating finding-yourself years is about NO ONE, absolutely no one... but you. I came across many success stories of people taking a semester off, a year off... and they came back much more ready and willing to learn. I mean, it might be a little different for some of the fortunate ones who have parents helping with college costs... then I can see why you'd be doing it for them a little bit, so that what they worked out for you doesn't go to waste. But what if you're truly on your own? What if you have to start after high school without the help of your parents at all? I think it's fair that you can take your time to decide because you can't afford to waste money and time on majors you're miserable sitting through.... Every one has to take a path on their own. I mean with countless different career paths out there where some are stable and others are there for the passionate and driven, that's there for the rest of your life. What we do now determines that path, and if I want to do my own thing, at a different pace than others, at the cost of being judged... at least I know that what I did was for my own well-being and happiness for the years i'm going to need it the most.

Enough

I guess I am a little bummed that I didn't get to attend the TCA's this year. I mean, it's not like a super grandiose show with classy people or anything. If anything, it's just a silly show where the voting system is stupid because it's based off of well, teenagers. But it's the moments you realize you're two feet away from someone you've spent countless hours watching on a screen that makes them real, and that makes the whole experience unforgettable... not the completely obnoxious, high pitched screaming, embarassing fans those well-known people have.

But there was another feeling that I remember came over me at last year's awards that kinda took me by surprise... a hint of jealousy... and a strong overwhelming feeling of pressure. I looked at those kids around me, see all the fans going crazy over their every move, and think... how did they get so lucky, so young? Don't get me wrong, my passion for acting was never about fame. When I fantasize about being a successful actor, I'm not thinking glamorous red carpets and popularity. I'm thinking of getting paid for what I love to do. I'm thinking of people emotionally being moved to my character on screen.

It's just, when I see all these young actors being so successful (and yes, some of them do deserve all the success in the world, and some... well, if it's not talent, it's looks... or luck), all I'm thinking is, "I'm older than they are now. And look where I am. Not even close." Yeah I can probably honestly say, that being at that show brought as much frustration as it did excitement to me that night. My old theater director would always tell every one, "you are enough." But when is that enough?

I single-handedly screwed this up.

I could possibly be living one of my biggest fears... Feeling left behind, as if I allowed myself to fuck up in the end because I know I didn't bust my ass in school to end up here. Today, I thought, what can I do to change things now? Anything to get me out of going to a community college. UCSB is out of the question one because, I needed an intent to register months before and two, even with financial aid, there's no way I can pay for it myself. (Parents' money not an option).

And then I thought, well, at least go to a cal state! Save the university for grad school. I mean its not like I need to save up for an elite school for what I plan on doing for my future... But wow silly me, of course Fullerton can't accept me now. Their mandatory orientation was a long while ago. And I'm not even sure how much I'll get from financial aid.

Shit. If I wasn't so blindsided by the hopefulness of my dreams these past months, I would've had this reality check a lot sooner. Now I have to step it up, make tons of phone calls, muster up my best negotiating skills from nineteen years and hope that my god, things will turn out all right.
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