Sometimes there's a bigger picture. And if you don't try to see it, you can't blame anyone else for the hurt you put on yourself.

After all is said and done... It's difficult, I let you down.

Reckless

Ahh I don't mean to abandon you, blogspot. You're still the only place I keep my most personal thoughts in... since tumblr is more of a, "oh I like this quote/picture, it might even pertain to my life" thing. So....

Maybe one reason I haven't put down in words what I've been feeling lately is because... I have this strange superstitious belief that if I express it out loud, the good will disappear. I guess in the past, I correlated good things ending to me saying it out loud to someone else. It sounds kind of dumb, but you gotta do what it takes to keep things in your life right? Even if it's through irrational thoughts. Maybe. But all I will say is that... things happen that you can't help and sometimes you have to let yourself stop thinking so much that you won't find every wrong reason to push it away.

Of course things can't always run 100% smoothly. You can't make everyone happy... I don't want to lose you, but I can't be selfish... If being away from me is what you need, I have to understand that. I'm just sorry things turned out this way. We all know it's nobody's fault but you can't help but feel your gut turn when you know you were a part of someone else's pain... Someone you took into your life permanently. And now, you can't even be a part of their life without hurting them.

Hope for the best? I sure am.

I am terrified of finding the day where someone else is my weakness.
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Crushed

I just want to... I want to apologise beforehand. I'm sorry that my past disappointments are going to make me test you... Make me guard myself at times you don't deserve it. Everything that made me doubt this in the past is going to play a big part in how I handle looking for something to prove me wrong. That doesn't mean that I want you to be in the bad end of my uncertainties.
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Self Deception

The last time I tried to keep myself from getting attached... it backfired on me. Badly. It took no less than 6 months for to have that much needed closure. Sometimes what they say is true. The only way to get over someone is either time or someone else. Someone else that makes you realize there's better out there. Do I have issues letting myself fall dependent on someone else? Unbelievably. So I guess I'm trying to tell myself that next time, just... just stop lying to yourself. Because you don't want to get to the point that once you finally accept what's in front of you, it'll be too late.

Vague

Right now I'm in the in-between. Do I move forward and risk the worst... Or do I stop this now while I still have a little control. The thing is, I do know what I want. But one part, probably my practical shoulder, is saying think hard first... It was just a lot nicer when no thinking was involved. But that can't go on for long.
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I think this is the most selfish I've ever been. And I honestly haven't a goddamn clue what to do.

Dead Ends

How can everything so wrong feel so right? It's never simple. We should all know that from day one.

Uh...

Wow. Really? My dad just called me disgusting and told me to get out of the house after I laughed really hard on the phone. I am so tired of this bullshit. I'm sitting on the patio now because like I said before, I'm not going to fight back. But this is just sad... I guess it's so wrong for me to be happy. It's not like I was talking loudly in a room where people are sleeping... I mean, I don't get it. I need out. Living under the same roof is so unbearable...
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Slowly bringing me down...

My silence scares you? Well let me break it to you. Your words hurt me. I give up... I'm not gonna argue, not gonna talk back, not gonna defend myself when you tell me how disgusted you are of the terrible person that I am. And for you to make sure I hear it every day? I know I've been rude in the past, but honestly I'm struggling to figure out where this comes from. I don't deserve this, not this time. So I'm going to sit here, let you throw all these stabbing words at me, try not to cry every time, and not say a damn word.
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Take Me There

It's been awhile since I've had a reaaaaally good weekend... especially on a real fri-sun weekend. With work, my weekends are usually mon-tues and well, not much happens on weeknights. Went clubbing two nights in a row! Even with work at 8 and 9 am each day HA, it seems like a good idea hours before you actually have to wake up. But no regrets. Totally worth it! Sharks on Thurs with two of my coworkers and some of their uci friends. It was totally fun hanging out with them outside the workplace. "Wow! It's weird to see you outside of work... you're like a normal person!" Yeah.... that happens. HAHA. But as for the club itself... eh, nothing special. It just had one of the reasons why I'm not always too psyched about clubbing... creepy men who think it's okay to just come up behind you and run their hands over your legs and shit. Wtf man, get outta here.


WHICH brings me to the next club... RAGE and why I absolutelyfuckinglove it. It's my second time going and definitely not my last. It makes me never want to go to a 18+ straight club again HAHA. You rarely have to worry about strange men at a gay club. Girls coming on to you are not creepy at all, since they're so fun about it LOL. And gay men are the cutest! Both in a hot-unattainable way AND in just a too damn adorable way. Went to see one of my best friends that I grew up with in NC, Kamille! God I love her. Took my other girls with me and I'm pretty sure it's a scene they all fell in love with as well. For a moment there, Kamille and I just stood at the upstairs balcony and watched over the people dancing downstairs and I completely got her when she said how wonderful it was to see all this culture... It's real, and it's fascinating. Makes me so much more excited to move out to LA. Finally see the world for what it is, this Orange County shit is just way too superficial, conservative, and not enough for a 19 year old.

It always makes me happy to meet people so easy to get along with. And that's why I love the gay world. It's the most outgoing and stick-it-as-it-is world to be in. I end up enjoying a person's company in the five minutes I meet them. I have one gay best friend here in Irvine and I wish I was able to introduce him to this world Kamille introduced me to before he left to do it on his own in college. He had to hide himself here. It's not that he was ashamed by any means. He cared too much about making other people feel awkward. Which I think was too selfless on his part. And I hope that he finally finds the place that i've seen where all of this is completely acceptable. I love being a hag. Hhahaha :)

Feud

It just gets too much sometimes. Too frustrating. My dad always has to be complaining about something. Yes, I understand that after he got laid off, it's easier for everyone to get irritated. But come on. Sometimes I just want to blow my pride away and say, "I'm still a kid!" But that's not what I want. I use a good chunk, often even HALF, of every one of my paychecks towards bills... while at the same time trying to save up for college and for rent when I move out. All this from a fucking minimum hourly job. His come-back is always giving me crap about how I spend money by eating out with friends a lot, but that's my business. What, i'm just going to live my life working and spending the money how HE thinks I should spend it? Not have a social life? I don't want any sympathy or shit, but when you're my father, and you ask for money so easily, and then get mad when I don't want to use money for a fucking car wash... it's frustrating. I just want you to at least feel a little appreciative that I'm not asking you to pay for my college... not asking you to help me move out on my own. I'm being as understandable and cooperative as I can. I just wish you'd do the same.

Five Years

I've never really thought about this before, but I actually find pure enjoyment in getting to know people... meeting people... forming new relationships Yeah it sounds like it's just a basic life thing, but for me I think it's going to have a lot to do a lot with my future job. Besides my dream job to be a professional actor, my dream "realistic" job is to be in communications and public relations. I want to work for people, be the one that people come to. I want to have a huge network and stay busy by living the fast paced life of schedules, events, and phone calls. It's weird, don't underestimate the long term effects high school has on you. Doing such things as being a house manager and co-director of the big shows those years, people came up to me, patted my back, and thanked me for staying so busy and getting everything done. I actually loved every second of it. I like running around, checking to make sure everyone is doing what they're supposed, making the important people seeing the show that night feel completely comfortable... It feels good to know that you have a vision of yourself five years from now. The next step is to just fight like hell to get there.

Little Brown Bag

I was watching "Degrassi Goes Hollywood" and my dad totally sat through the whole movie... He must've been bored out of his mind. HAHA. It was okay... I love me my Degrassi, but yeah it was definitely a "TV" movie. Nothing more. It's true, THEY KNOW DRAMA. :P Okay enough of me as a total nerd.

Hmm I went shopping for the first time this summer this last week... And I can't believe I almost forgot how blissful it feels... to ache for that one item until you get it. This is a bad habit waiting to happen. Whatever man! Working full time all summer, I think I deserve a little self-treatment. Eh, well. I know where all that money went... food. I would get a paycheck every two weeks and in those two weeks, that's 14 days... of carelessly going out for food. It adds up... what a little bitch. I bought a top for $15, and thought... this could've been my dinner. And wow what a difference it makes! Now I used that $15 for something that'll last me more than half an hour of satisfaction. So I got an idea. Eat out less, spend extra money on clothes instead. Man i'm brilliant.

Five months and my life will begin.

Who are we to judge?

You know, I can't believe I've only come to fully get a grasp on this until this now. College and these next excruciating finding-yourself years is about NO ONE, absolutely no one... but you. I came across many success stories of people taking a semester off, a year off... and they came back much more ready and willing to learn. I mean, it might be a little different for some of the fortunate ones who have parents helping with college costs... then I can see why you'd be doing it for them a little bit, so that what they worked out for you doesn't go to waste. But what if you're truly on your own? What if you have to start after high school without the help of your parents at all? I think it's fair that you can take your time to decide because you can't afford to waste money and time on majors you're miserable sitting through.... Every one has to take a path on their own. I mean with countless different career paths out there where some are stable and others are there for the passionate and driven, that's there for the rest of your life. What we do now determines that path, and if I want to do my own thing, at a different pace than others, at the cost of being judged... at least I know that what I did was for my own well-being and happiness for the years i'm going to need it the most.

Enough

I guess I am a little bummed that I didn't get to attend the TCA's this year. I mean, it's not like a super grandiose show with classy people or anything. If anything, it's just a silly show where the voting system is stupid because it's based off of well, teenagers. But it's the moments you realize you're two feet away from someone you've spent countless hours watching on a screen that makes them real, and that makes the whole experience unforgettable... not the completely obnoxious, high pitched screaming, embarassing fans those well-known people have.

But there was another feeling that I remember came over me at last year's awards that kinda took me by surprise... a hint of jealousy... and a strong overwhelming feeling of pressure. I looked at those kids around me, see all the fans going crazy over their every move, and think... how did they get so lucky, so young? Don't get me wrong, my passion for acting was never about fame. When I fantasize about being a successful actor, I'm not thinking glamorous red carpets and popularity. I'm thinking of getting paid for what I love to do. I'm thinking of people emotionally being moved to my character on screen.

It's just, when I see all these young actors being so successful (and yes, some of them do deserve all the success in the world, and some... well, if it's not talent, it's looks... or luck), all I'm thinking is, "I'm older than they are now. And look where I am. Not even close." Yeah I can probably honestly say, that being at that show brought as much frustration as it did excitement to me that night. My old theater director would always tell every one, "you are enough." But when is that enough?

I single-handedly screwed this up.

I could possibly be living one of my biggest fears... Feeling left behind, as if I allowed myself to fuck up in the end because I know I didn't bust my ass in school to end up here. Today, I thought, what can I do to change things now? Anything to get me out of going to a community college. UCSB is out of the question one because, I needed an intent to register months before and two, even with financial aid, there's no way I can pay for it myself. (Parents' money not an option).

And then I thought, well, at least go to a cal state! Save the university for grad school. I mean its not like I need to save up for an elite school for what I plan on doing for my future... But wow silly me, of course Fullerton can't accept me now. Their mandatory orientation was a long while ago. And I'm not even sure how much I'll get from financial aid.

Shit. If I wasn't so blindsided by the hopefulness of my dreams these past months, I would've had this reality check a lot sooner. Now I have to step it up, make tons of phone calls, muster up my best negotiating skills from nineteen years and hope that my god, things will turn out all right.
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Not So Out of Reach

To have my own personal secretary is a part of any future I want for myself. It's like, once I have that... I will know I've made it. However lame it might sound, it's better to set your mind on something than thinking it's out of your reach. Having said that, dammit. For now I must make my own phone calls to check up on my insurance. Sometimes aren't you just too lazy to deal with people? Seriously.
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Let The Records Keep Playing

I keep getting really annoying headaches every time I decide to sleep, and sleep... and sleep some more for a day. Maybe it's the universe telling me to get off my ass and stop wasting away. Or, it really is bad for you to sleep that much. Whatever it is, it's a deathly cycle because headaches make me want to sleep even more. Grr.

Finally upgraded my BB Curve to the new BB 8900. I could've waited to save up for the Tour... but once I set my eyes on something, and am capable of getting that something, it's mine. Now. But I absolutely adore this new BB, and I am in love all over again. When I first got my old BB two years ago, i'd have countless blogs just to say "I love my blackberry." Now, I didn't think it'd be possible to be this infatuated with a piece of machinery. To me, it's my world. Until I find that special someone of course... he'd still come second. Hah, I'm terrible. :)

Just bought Michael Jackson's "Dangerous" album. As much as I love to download music just as much as the next person... There is something so different and special about owning an album. Maybe CD's will be the next generation's collectible vinyl records or something. It just feels exhilirating to have. Or maybe i'm just a dork and find ways to make everything sound cooler than it is.

Money (Or the lack of) Sucks...

Working five days a week now on a pretty solid schedule, finally. Something I could get used to. And it is. It's a good thing when work is just a strand in your everyday life that you have no room to complain. I enjoy mostly everyone's company. I could just goof the hell off and not feel like a total fool. My manager's hilarious to be around, and she made me and her fantastic yogurt this morning which was very nice indeed. Working at the coffee again ain't so bad after all.

I overdrafted again. Apparently ATM's don't include your pending payments so I kept sliding and sliding... Parents called me furious as hell, got me in a horrible mood that whole day so I secluded myself away from communication with the world... then got over it. The manager at wamu was a nice lady, and I put my very best sad face on.. and she took off half the charges. It's still a bummer to think that I worked two days to feed the bank when I could be feeding me though.

I love how every time you get completely shitfaced and feel terrible, the words that come out of your mouth may be "I will never drink again..." Then not too long later, you seem to forget about all of that and do it all over again. Hello to the last three weeks. Except after a certain shitty thing happened one night, I'm from now on making sure I don't let myself get so vulnerable in the company of ANY guy. Boys are boys. That won't change. Fuck you btw, you seem to think I don't remember or know what happened, but if I ever see you again... I don't think I can help myself but to put you in your place. I'm digusted.

Anyways, here's to a wonderful summer.

Same Ol' Things Got Me Going Crazy

Summer's not the time to be thinking about what millions ways my life could go wrong in the next year is it? But how come at the end of the night, it's those same thoughts repeating itself in my head... Is it so wrong to choose happiness over stability? Passion over caution? I keep putting my priorities off, hoping that I don't have to deal with it now. But my god, my summer will collapse if I don't stick with a plan now.

On another note, watching the end of Confessions of a Shopaholic just gave me this immense surge to want a guy that will tell me, "she's not you" when I ask him why he's not with her. Such a simple, not even that romantic part of a movie, surprisingly made me :(. Oh, and a British accent? Never goes wrong.

It's Never So Simple

I was in the car with my mom the other day and she just kept talking on and on, asking about things on and on... and then after a while, she shuts off the radio and asks, "What's wrong?". I say "Nothing" and turn the radio back on. She shuts it off again and keeps asking me what's wrong... telling me that I look completely lost and upset about something. And after about the third "What's wrong?" I'm crying and I don't know why. She's like "My baby!!!! WHAT'S WRONG? NOW YOU'RE CRYING" and I can't even talk, I avoid making eye contact by staring out the window and shuffling around to grab whatever tissues are lying around the car.

I hate hate HATE being asked those two words. Because when the water works come, it's unstoppable, and you sit and think... Wait. What the hell. I guess I was having one of those really bad days for no reason, or for every reason. Then my mom goes on to say, "Are you pregnant? Because... because if you are, i've been wanting to have a baby around for awhile now." Okay mom. No, that's... that's not it.

I Keep Waiting

I really needed to see this.

"Don't lower your standards just because you're so tired of being single."

But then this came along.

"Just get drunk. Then everyone's perfect!"

It's 12AM, and staying in is not an option.

Some of the prettiest beaches are approximately 8 miles away. EIGHT miles. And how many times have I taken advantage of the fact that they're an arm length away? Probably less than the fingers on my hands. Totally unacceptable. It didn't hit me until just this past week how truly amazing the ocean is... how lively the city is around it at night because people are either going to a bar, clubbing with friends, clubbing to look for something else, eating at 24 hour donuts places, eating at food joints that close at 2:30 am. So un-Irvine like. So so much better.

A big part of me wishes I was 21 already so I can just go to a bar, openly meet people, and not quickly turn the other direction when a guy yells "HEY YOU in the stripes! YOU!" directly to you and then decides to walk quickly after you. I'd much rather turn to him, flip my hair, and go "I have a name that I respond to, but since I won't be giving it to you, please go yell at something else." Then walk off and laugh. Okay maybe not, but hey, there's something intriguing about the whole thing.

First day on the job... Pretty happy. I mean, i'd probably be delighted whatever it was... with the shithole economy, I was beginning to find it impossible to get hired again. NINE months without work was such an eye-opener. Eh I lost such a huge part of me that kept me solid... my independence. Don't give up for all you still trying to find a job! It will happen.



I think coffee and me are just meant to be. I got placed as the one who works the coffee bar. Tea can come later. For Starbucks, we had 3 teas to choose from. It was tea, syrup, and water. For 85, there's a million different teas, plus adding milk... never had to do that before. And a million ways you can combine it. Hahahah, I think i'll give that another week.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round
Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer, To get through it all.

It's not that I don't believe in love. I think I believe in it too much.
It's just that my Mr. Right-Now hasn't come along yet. They've always been Mr. Now. And why would I let myself start a relationship that had nothing "Right" about it.

Something

You could have been something I was good at.

5, 7, 5

So the past few days we've been doing some brainstorming for an upcoming show in theater. Today's assignment was to think about your greatest fear within yourself and to write a haiku about it. Our director's example was his fear of failing others by standing by and watching them fail. With only ten minutes left in the period, and being that, I didn't do as I was asked to think of my greatest fear the night before, I began thinking way under pressure. Without too much over-thinking, I let my mind wander and put my first thoughts on paper. As soon as I turned it in, I wanted to snatch it back. I realized just how dark and personal it was... Sometimes you keep your fears so under control and under denial that it tends to surprise you when it finds its way out of your heart.

Standing with shadows,
I cannot bear the feeling,
Being alone, just them.

I guess Miss Independent isn't all she's cracked out to be.

Five Minutes

No, I'm not implying the swine flu scare. Nor am I even talking about graduation.
It's just what it is. I think it's beautiful, actually.

Crossing Paths

An old friend from 7th grade contacted me the other day... 7th grade was when I lived in this small, ghetto town in Riverside, the year before I moved to where I live now. So of course it was a pretty opposite world. Anyways, I asked her to tell me how everyone's doing, if everyone is still friends... and basically what's happened these last five years. Her first response? "Well I don't think anyone that you talked to has had kids yet..." What? We haven't even graduated yet... LOL. I was just so baffled... it sounded so natural and common coming from her mouth and that was nowhere near what I had expected to hear about. As if... that's as normal as it gets. Wow.

You looked better on myspace... or not.

So out of the blue today, I decided to check up on my myspace. Myspace. Remember that? Yes, that. I noticed that I had new things in my inbox waiting for me to read. And this is what it said. Btw, it was sent twice. Like I would actually respond to the first one let alone the second.

"hey whats up
my name is ragu real name is john though
i live n maryland used to live in the same state as you
i am 18 years old
i am single
i hate girls down here
if you are single messege me back :)
what you think about my looks cuz you stunning"

His profile name? "Looking for dat right girl."
Not that right girl.. DAT right girl.

Wahahhaha.
NOW I remember why I stopped coming back to this mess known as myspace.

I Choose You

Is it just me or do the most important things in your life constantly, if not always, fall on the same.. fucking... day. I'm beginning to think that this is the universe's way of making us choose so we could realize things for ourselves. Well, hell that's terrible. When has it ever been easy to choose between what makes you happy and what makes someone else happy. It seems easy from the outside, but wow. You have to make SO many sacrifices for the sake of not disappointing someone else. And true, disappointing others might lead to your own self disappointment... I guess that's how it should be, but where is that line where, not disappointing yourself comes first? The VERY first.

Roll the window down...

It's so hard for me to just sit here when I constantly think about how different things will be even months from now. The differences that I want to happen. I just want life to start, is that so bad? I was driving to LA last night... btw, driving by yourself is so liberating. Just the process of driving off some place on your own accounts for a big part of that excitement. The traffic killed that mood, but right when I reached the 101 hollywood freeway, my heart jumped again. I wanted to slow down and just breathe it all in. I guess the city has always fascinated me... even the dirty, l0ck-your-doors areas are part of the big picture... a picture so beautiful. So for a good while today, I spent looking at places to rent... it's not easy, but I know it's out there. I still have my doubts, of course, but there's no way in hell anything's going to stop me from doing what I have to do.

Starting from when I was a kid, I've always had that mindset where I made sure I didn't depend on anyone too much. And as I got older, that sense of independence became more and more clear. I have dreams of living on my own.. as I've said before, I love driving with just me, good music, and a neverending road... drinking a latte at a cafe with a good book... hell, I even often go to the bathroom by myself. Baffling I know. But really, I just think at this age, 18 going on 19... there's no better time to find yourself. Even if that means getting hurt and kicking yourself in the process. If I can't eat three meals a day because I can't support myself that way, then so be it. The key phrease here is "support myself." That I'm willing to do whatever it takes. And maybe part of it is, i've always been a romantic. And there is something so deeply romantic about leaving everything behind to find your own way.

Don't get me wrong, I also have the worst homesickness there is. Oh, why.

It's yours to keep.

Those starbucks days weren't so bad... I mean, sure, my co-workers would laugh and say, "Diane... you're not... YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY READING THOSE CUPS, are you?" as if, it was the worst thing to do for passing time. I guess they hadn't realized that these cardboard cups would little by little build up the optimist in me. After they'd laugh and point, I would just smile back because as silly as it is, small words in small places CAN feed you a big, happy meal. I was fed, and they chose to not even try it, so it was definitely not my loss.

And of course there's a reason for everything. There's a reason for why I chose to start this off with a certain quote from a starbucks cup. No, I am not going back to my old job... Not even close. The atmosphere engulfing everyone right now is just... I don't have any words for it. Rejection. Acceptance. Confusion. Hope. Otherwise known as the life-alternating letters/or with technology these days - college letters via internet as the cause of this madness. For the past year, my attitude has been "whatever happens, happens. I want to live TODAY. and if i'm happy today, but it affects the future, WHATEVER. as long as i'm living day to day." and of course, in the back of my mind I knew that chances were, I would get fucked over. Even so, I post-poned my SAT's to the very last minute, shitty score. When it came down to a long night of a study, or a fun night of having a good time... the good time it was. I BS-ed my way and did things half-assed where it should've mattered the most.

So when it came down to choosing colleges, I brought it down to what I deserved. No way did I even reach for "dream" status schools. No Yale, no Colombia... I wasn't upset though. I just knew that road wasn't for me... not right now. I had other plans, plans that didn't revolve around going to a prestige college first. I have my reasons for wanting to start a life in Los Angeles. My choices were based around that fact... It HAD to be close to, in, or around LA. Ultimately, UCLA would just be the most convenient and top preference. But as time went by, I cared less and less for UCLA because even though the school is gorgeous and is the kind of campus I dream of, they don't have ANY of my choice of possible majors, I don't like the Uni-esque/competitiveness/book-smart atmosphere...

So UCSB crept its way to the top of my list. I can bear with traveling 2 hrs to and from LA a few times a week, that's the only "big" problem anyway. I could study what I want because they provide it. Far enough from home. Completely different people to interact with. Love the campus. So today, after getting rejected from UCSD, and thinking, well I never gave that school much thought anyway, it was still crushing... I realized my nerves began to get the best of me when I then went to go check for Santa Barbara. My "whatever happens, happens" attitude was diminishing in high speed. And then there it was. "UCSB Status: You're Admitted!" Granted, it's not an NYU or a Yale, but honestly, everyone's different in what roads will lead them to success. And it's safe to say, that as great and amazing it is that friends and peers are getting into TOP NOTCH places, it's even more amazing when it's a place and path where your happiness and true excitement are stored. That's what really matters isn't it? Having a place to put your heart in? And absolutely being in that moment where the future is yours.

It could be a double-life.

On one of those days, I meet this young man.. an aspiring director he is. We were both working on set, but with very different intentions. He looks at me and asks, "You want to be an actor, don't you?" I'm hesitant because as simple as the question is, it's also the most complicated thought I fight with every day. So I say, "Ideally, yes.... But.... I still want to be practical. " He interrupts me from going on and smiles, "No, I can definitely see you on the big screen. As a visionary director, I have that critical eye to see it." Was I supposed to say thank you... I mean, it's not like I proved myself to him in any way. He just "saw" something that could mean nothing. But sometimes it's not about what you're capable of. It IS about what they initially see in you that gets your foot in the door... and luck. Then, when you get past that, hope that you have some damn great talent to KEEP your foot on that side of the door.

Anything can happen because I decided that I will do what it takes to follow my heart's desires. Already, I'm beginning to make some large sacrifices, but at the end of the day, I know it's worth it. If I go with my gut instinct, with no hesitation, I'm doing something right. Because it feels right. I'm willing to give up what solid plan I have now, to pursue a shaky one... because it's that shaky, ohmygodwhatwillhappennow one... that makes me feel so alive.

Spinning

"Did you ever put out your arms out and spin & spin really really fast and then you stop and you just smile because you don’t know what’s going on?"

Yeah we all need those sometimes.
Lately, I feel like I have no real reasons for the things I do anymore. Not that it always needs a good reason, but I don't know. It just seems impaired. I've never second-guessed my own instincts this much before. It's hard to limit yourself and be okay with it when you don't know what it is you're defending yourself against. Thank goodness no one expects to understand blog babbles because great. Now i'm more confused than I was when I tried to make sense of this in writing.

What today really means to me...

Hey, it's almost perfect. Every 14th of February, my boyfriends Ben & Jerry never disappoint. :)

Soar Above the Sky

I'm breathing through phlegm-filled airways.
My voice is lower than acceptable.
I'm in the middle of a show throughout this sick streak.
I can't find a job.
I'm in credit card debt, and can't allow my parents to keep paying for it right now.
The school day has been going ridiculously slow for me every day.
Calculus makes me want to stab myself.
The shows are keeping me away from my friends, family, and my sanity.
I'm torn not having the chance to be there for someone when they need it.
I still daydream about that perfect guy i've made up in my mind since there's really nothing else going on in that department.
I want to give more to the people I have in my life.

But at the end of the night, after I get off that stage, and someone pulls me away, and says, "You were phenomenal," taking a while to actually take those words to heart, I see that they were genuinely affected, and if I can make just one person laugh, or a whole audience entertained for a night... I can kiss that stress-list goodbye. I can act as if it's nothing to me, small or big show, but really, it's everything.

Think, Do, Happen

It's really something else when you realize that something you have now, was only this fragment of idea that consumed your thoughts once upon a time. But it takes awhile to actually see it, and go, wow, life does work in your favor through one persistent mindset. I'm beginning to believe more and more in our individual power to just.. make things happen.. especially when you don't even realize that it's happening before your eyes.

Four years ago, I was a wee little freshman (in my attitude not necessarily my physicality because sadly, I haven't progressed in an acceptable height) who completely admired and looked up to the leads and cast members of the huge theatre productions at my own high school. I saw them as these big people who can do amazing things, and who just look so good being in charge. I admired even those who lead the drama club. Everything. And now... I look back and at this point, i'm not just one of those people, i'm all of them. (And that's not meant to sound big-headed in anyway). What i'm trying to say is that i've been given the responsibilities of most of the people I admired combined. And I never sat back and saw it that way until recently. Because four years ago, I never would've imagined that I could be doing so much, let alone being handed the job as assistant director of the musical.. where at first it's like, oh okay cool no biggie, just another job to have fun with. But then, I allowed myself to think harder. 14 spots in a cast. 1 spot for a VP. 1 spot for an AD. I definitely have taken the whole picture for granted.

That was way longer than I intended but my point is that how small or big this might mean to me... Many things have happened this way where you could only imagine it being true, and it hits you at one point, that wow, "this was exactly what I wanted." It just gives me good hope that the same will happen for even bigger and better things in the future. *knockonwood.

Misery Loves Company

So i've had this extreme pain running through the side of my throat for the past, what four days? Look, I like to think I can tolerate pain pretty well... i've had a history of aches you probably wouldn't want me to put in detail. But this, this is unbearable. I described it to someone as "a knife poking my throat harder and harder each time I swallow my own saliva... and this is without exaggeration." I went to the doctor just to make sure it wasn't strep, (and because my paranoid mother tried to convince me that the virus could spread to my heart), so doctor here I am! And what do you know.. they didn't tell me anything I couldn't figure out myself. It's not strep. Take tylenol. Um THANKS. Then what the fuck is in there that's keeping me so miserable? Since the doctor disappointed me so, I did my own research. I've come to the conclusion, that no, it's not a regular sore throat, I mean it certainly doesn't feel like a regular sore throat. It's fucking canker sores that spread through the linings of my throat. Yes, those red outlined white holes you get when you bite the inside of your mouth. In my throat. Oh, btw, TMI. I'm sorry.

There are moments when life throws you a big curve-ball smack dab in the face.

You sit there. And you curse yourself the more for continuing to sit there.

Letting each moment pass you by.

Until the huge realization (the pain that comes after being hit by the ball) overcomes your every thought and movement.

And you think, "That's it. The epiphany i've been waiting for all my life... Why in the world am I sitting here when the world is calling out to me to get off my ass and be where I want to be... which is nowhere near here."

[Picture from LJSecret].

I just had the most amazing dream last night. Not only was it amazing, it was very.... realistic. And it actually worked when I woke up, tried to go back to sleep, only to continue the dream again. And I did. But what happens when a dream gets too good? You have to wake up. :[

I dreamt that I was in love with the most perfect guy (his face was not familiar at all), and everything we did just oozed out passionate feelings, deep love, true happiness... that it felt so damn real. How is that possible?

Well, that's a pretty nice way to start off my first night going into the new year. I could only hope that this time, it does mean something... but hey, we only believe in signs after it happens right? And so my cheeseball venting is done. Happy New Years.